A practical guide to becoming a “New Rich” (and making everyone hate you in the process)

Advanced lessons in rudeness, incivility, and arrogance

Introduction

In a world where elegance and respect are overrated, today we teach you how to succeed while being rude, ostentatious, and completely devoid of common sense. If you're one of those who believe that money or "social status" gives you permission to trample on others, this manual is for you.

Lesson 1: The art of ostentation

We mustn't lose sight of the "Style" that should characterize someone of your class, you know: A Brand Nouveau Riche... or, a hard-working aspirationalist who wants to turn their limited income into an excellent debit bank account, for now. That style defines us, remember, and it shouldn't change at any time. The golden rules are: clothes with sparkles, fluorescent sneakers, chewing gum like a “Street Girl”, dark glasses even if you're indoors or at night, never, under any circumstances, take off your "Gang" cap in a restaurant. Remember, ostentation above all else.

A true “Nouveau Riche” never goes unnoticed. Make sure you mention the price of EVERYTHING you buy, especially if it's a knockoff. A watch? “It's Swiss, honey, but not everyone can tell.” A BMW? “Yes, it's a dealership, but I disguised it as a used Tsuru to throw it off the scent. You know, these are tough times!”

Instagram stories from the most expensive restaurant in town (even if you only ordered mineral water), what moment did you live in?

Lesson 2: Public Manners (or Lack of Them)

Remember, the rest of us are poor people here to be jealous of you, and jealous of the fierce kind. If no one moves to let you in, that's what elbows are for. It doesn't matter if it's a lady (damn, we're in the age of equality!), a child (why doesn't their mother notice you're the one who's going to pass?), an elderly person (what, are the nursing homes full yet?), or a woman in a state of weightlessness (what, was it your fault?).

If you drive your car, which sets you apart from the rest of us, what's the point of turn signals if you know where you're going? Others should guess. And handicapped parking is just a suggestion, not a law. Always remember that.

Another fundamental rule is to remember the rule of every “Nouveau Riche”: "I take it even if it's not my turn." This applies in traffic, in lines at the ATM, or at the supermarket, and also when talking to someone (the louder you talk, the more right you are).

Lesson 3: Treatment of waiters, employees and other “Invisible People”

You should never stop showing who you are. The rest of the poor ones must understand that YOU are more important than even the King of England himself, or at least the equivalent. All those who work for you must go out of their way to please you and understand that you are different and special, that you have worked hard to achieve your status. It means, it's not for nothing that you're one of those who spend three hours haggling over sackcloth at street markets. Your behavior toward the poor must teach lessons and make an impact. You must snap your fingers to call over the waiter, or the employee, or whatever servant appears in front of you. What, aren't you important? As an additional tip: if you demand to speak to the manager because the soup was "Too Hot," It'll give you extra points.

Key phrases when someone has a different opinion than you: “What do you know?” or “Did I ask you?”

Lesson 4: The Law of “Me First”

Every self-respecting and self-respecting “Nouveau Riche” should never forget to make their class clear and demonstrate it as much as possible. The basic rules of the lifestyle should be made clear, such as keeping trash on your side of the street, blasting music at 3 AM, making too much noise with the motorcycle you paid for in installments, and bringing pets off leashes... Enjoy! The neighborhood is your backyard.

If the police give you a warning, remember: it's always someone else's fault. Good manners? That's for the poor.

Remember, to make it clear what class you belong to, you must always keep these details in mind: buy a $500 bottle at the club and leave it half-finished, just so they can see it! And also remember that by following these steps, you'll be remembered for all the bad things... but, hey, at least they're talking about you!

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There are two warm-up questions to take on the Final Master's Exam in Incivility :

1.- How many times a day do you shout in traffic: “Move over, asshole!”?

2.- From 1 to 10, how often do you say “Do you know who I am?”

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Evaluation Exam:

FINAL EXAM: "ARE YOU A “NOUVEAU RICHE” OR AN ASPIRATIONIST?"

Instructions: Mark the options that apply to your life with a ✓. At the end, add up your points and find out your "Oh, man, you're so bad!" level .

Section 1: Table Manners (or Lack of Them)

How do you order a cut of meat in a fine restaurant?

a) "Medium ground, please."
b) "So fresh it almost says Mooh !"
c) "Like for tacos!"

When you finish your meal, what do you do?

a) You say thank you and leave a tip.
b) You check the bill 3 times and complain about the bread you didn't order.
c) You take the cutlery "just in case."

If you don't like the food, what is your reaction?

a) You eat it without complaining.
b) You return it and demand to speak to the chef to "teach him how to cook."
c) You post a review on Google: "They poison people here. 1 star."

Section 2: Public Life (The Art of Being Hated)

In traffic, your philosophy is:

a) Respect the signs.
b) "I take the plunge because I'm in a hurry (and my time is worth more)."
c) Using the sidewalk as an express lane while yelling, "THEY ARE NOT MOVING!"

When parking, do you prefer to:

a) Find a permitted location.
b) The disabled parking space ("It only takes 5 minutes").
c) Anywhere, but with flashing lights (the "hazzies" are your divine safe conduct).
 
At the cinema, how do you enjoy the film?
 
a) Silently, like normal people.
b) Narrating the plot out loud: "Don't go there, dude, it's the villain's mom!"
c) Answering calls and putting the phone on speakerphone: "CAN'T YOU SEE  I'M AT THE CINEMA?"

 
Section 3: Social Relations (The Gift of Elegant Rudeness)
 
When someone disagrees with you, you respond:
 
a) "I understand your point."
b) "What do you know, poor thing?"
c) "Oh, forgive me, Mrs. Buckingham!" (with a mocking tone).
 
When dealing with waiters or employees, your motto is:
 
a) "Please" and "Thank you."
b) "And my soda? I ordered it 20 seconds ago!"
c) Snap your fingers and point with your eyes (the universal language of "Move on!").
 
On social media, your favorite content is:
 
a) Travel photos or memes.
b) Selfies with the BMW steering wheel (and the logo clearly visible).
c) Record yourself throwing garbage in the street with the hashtag #IAmFree .
 
Section 4: Bonus (Just in case something was missing)
 
What would you wear to a fancy dinner?
 
a) A decent wine.
b) Your bank deposit certificate (framed).
c) Your turn your speaker and play RAP for them “get excited."
 
Your most used phrase on WhatsApp is:
 
a) "Hello, how are you?"
b) "Send me location."
c) "What are you wearing? Send me a photo..."
 
RESULTS (Add your ✓):
 
0-3 points: How boring! You even seem educated.
 
4-7 points: You're on the right track, but you still need to shout more in public.
 
8-11 points: Congratulations! You're a "MasterClass Nouveau Riche" Your HP printer certificate is in the mail.
 
12+ points: SOCIETY ALERT! Even Al Capone would say, "No way, calm down."
 
Notes: If this test gave you more than 8 points, please don't follow us on social media. We already have enough traffic. And if you identified with this article, please don't share it: there are already many of us who support you.
 
Contribution of
 
Messy Blues
 
(But don’t tell anyone!!)